When Hikari Beats Takeshima
by silentsky93
Summary: Anime based. How Hikari's "victory" over Kei Takeshima leads to... insults regarding crumpets, llamas, plans for world conquest, a probability study conducted behind Takeshima's back, and the apocalypse? Warning: Randomness ensues.
1. Eat Crumpets!

**DISCLAIMER:** I, silentsky93, do not own Special A., any of it's related characters, settings, ideas, ect. - Maki Minami and all the studio/producer people of the anime do. Though, the weird stuff? (*smug*). Totally mine.

**Warning: **For those of you who've read any of my previous stuff... this is nothing like it. The following story contains material that came from the mind of a deleriously sleep deprived fanfiction writer that wrote down the idea at 1 AM. Randomness ensues. And, no matter how much you whine, I'm posting the next section. Period. It needs a home, too.

Don't say I didn't warn you.

* * *

Kei Takeshima was having the worst night of his life.

He never should have taken the S.A. out to pizza.

He never should have brought Hikari.

He never should have let Hikari challenge him in the arcade.

Worse yet…

He never should have let her take care of the bill.

Takeshima was finishing off his slice of pepperoni when it happened. He and the rest of the S.A. had reserved a wide booth near the middle of the restaurant - and, as far as he could see, nothing seemed out of the ordinary. Akira was hitting Tadashi over the head for hogging the last slice. And, Ryuu's hamster was probably violating about 15 state health laws as he wandered the back kitchens unsupervised. Again.

Takeshima smiled.

All was good.

Until Hikari zoomed back to the table, frantically waving a receipt in one hand. Then, she came in front of Kei, bouncing and squealing with all the obsessive delight of a fan girl - and, in the most un-Hikari-like fasion possible.

Takeshima froze, the smile dropping instantly from his face.

All was _not_ good.

"_OHMYFREAKIN'GOD!!!" _she shrieked

The table fell silent.

"Who are you… and what have you done with Hikari?" Takeshima asked scornfully.

She paused - but only for a moment - and stabbed a single finger in the direction of Takeshima's face.

"Ha _HA!_"she yelled triumphantly, "_Oh yeah! _Eat crumpets, Takeshima!"

"Eat…_crumpets?_" he repeated, confused, "But… I like crumpets."

"Yeah, well, guess what?"

"What?"

"I BEAT YOU, TAKESHIMA!!!" she screamed, "No, no, I didn't just beat you… I kicked your skinny, practically-superhuman _ass_ into the _dirt!_"

"That's gotta hurt- _wait_…beat me at what?" he asked. Then, he sighed, "That's funny, Hikari. Now, could you at least tell me what you're saying before you go spouting off -"

She suddenly shoved the receipt into his face.

"See, _see?!_"

"Let me guess, _ni-san_," he sighed, "They marked down the club sodas in time for St. Patrick's Day."

"DON'T CALL ME NI-SAN!!!"

"Get on with it, Hikari."

Hikari inhaled with a deep gasp.

Then…

" LOOK! I got exactly 1,462,371 points on the pinball machine. See? See? Do you know what this means? Well, duh, of course you know what it means, because I obviously beat you, therefore, I'm better than you now, and, also - THEY'LL GIVE ME 75% OFF MY NEXT LARGE PEPPORONI PIZZA!"

Everyone stared at Hikari for a few moments. Takeshima did a mental eye-roll - really wishing that she could stop screaming in caps. He could already feel the migraine coming on. Where did that aspirin go?

He sighed, beginning a series of slow, unenthused claps.

"Whopdee _flippin' _do," he said, "So, you scored… um, well, that really weird number. Congrats."

He thought this would be enough to hold her off - maybe, if he was lucky, she might even kiss him, passionately, wishing him only the best of eternal gratitude, saying, "I'll love you forever, Kei, you're always _such_ a great sport!"

Was he ever wrong.

Instead, she launched into one of the scariest 1970's-style dances he had ever seen, singing, jutting her butt into the air while singing, "_Oh yeah, go me, it's my birthday -_"

"Good for you, Hikari," Takeshima muttered stiffly. He felt his eye twitch a little. Meanwhile, he heard Tadashi stutter something small and incoherent. It sounded something like "Dear God, help me… my eyes, they burn."

Hikari stopped dancing - but, switched songs. Each operatic note she belted out was a painful cross between a dying cat and an epileptic duck.

Though, nowhere close to Megumi.

"IIIIII AM THE CHAMPION -!"

"Um, Hikari?" Takeshima's eyes darted across the room. He dropped his voice to a whisper, "_People are staring_."

Even so, she failed to notice the forty-or-so gaping mouths and petrified faces aimed in their direction.

"Oh, just watch, Takeshima, 'cause from now on, you are goin' _down!_"

_Maybe if I just shut up, she'll go away…_ he thought hopefully.

Again, he was wrong.

He felt a bead of sweat drip down his neck as the Hikari he knew transformed before him. Seemingly engulfed in a raging dark aura, her maniacal laughter sounded through the restaurant and to all unfortunate enough to hear it.

"Now you're just being creepy… really… _really_…_creepy_…" he chocked.

"First, Takeshima... tomorrow, the greenhouse - _the S.A. will be mine!" _Hikari said, speaking rapidly, "Then, I'll _really_ be number one! Oh, and then, I'll become supreme dictator of some small, unheard of Latin American country inhabited almost entirely by llamas - who will thus become my loyal minions. Then, I'll return to Japan, and take that by force, too... and, um then... THE WORLD!!!!"

Takeshima was silent.

A timid waitress slipped behind him, kneeling down with a tray of soda to block her face from Conquistador Hikari.

"Excuse me," she whispered, tapping Takeshima hesitantly on the shoulder, "Um… does she have some sort of… _complex?_"

With a groan, he buried his face into his hands.

"If only I had listened to her psychiatrist…"


	2. Splodey

_This is bad,_ Megumi wrote, scribbling onto her sketchpad.

"Oh, really?" Takeshima snapped, "In what way?"

_I don't like llamas._

Takeshima blinked.

_A llama spit on me once, _she scribbled. Then, eyes glistening with tears, she sniffed, writing:

_It spit on Jun, too. _

"JUN!!" Sakura cried. She leapt at Jun from behind the seat, flinging her arms towards him in an embrace. He pushed her back.

Sakura crooned, "Oh, Jun, you poor thing – "

"Oh, shut it," Takeshima grumbled.

_And one other thing... _

"What is it now?!"

"Well," Tadashi began, "You see, we all kind of had this theory –"

Akira slammed a fist across Tadashi's head.

"A THEORY DOESN'T MEAN SQUAT, BONEHEAD!!!" she thundered.

"Are you saying that global warming doesn't exist?" Tadashi said accusingly.

"I'M SAYING –"

"Akira, calm down," Ryuu said evenly, "A theory is a very solid and valid collection of scientific facts gained from observation and study which prove – "

"_Get to the freaking point already_!" Takeshima barked.

"The rest of the S.A. conducted a probability study awhile back," Jun explained, "Which sort of became a general science study. You see, if Hikari were to actually defeat you in any way, shape, or form, it significantly defies all laws of nature known to mankind... "

"Thus interfering with laws of gravity and physics as well," Ryuu continued, "Which would then would interfere with the earth's orbit, causing it to spin in a chaotic and erratic matter away from it's natural orbital...

_Which, in less than two weeks, would make it crash into the sun and go 'splodey. _

A dark, ominous silence consumed the group. Except for Hikari, who was still traumatizing the minds of small children with her "victory dance."

"So, we're all gonna die, then, right?" Takeshima said bluntly.

"Guess so."

"Yep."

_Pretty much._

"So, what now?" Akira asked.

_What if we fly to mars? _Megumi scribbled hopefully.

"Nah, too expensive," Tadashi said, "I was kinda trying to save up for a new PS3."

Akira hit Tadashi. "Idiot... Wii's are better."

Takeshima shrugged. "I have an underground bunker."

"And what good would _that_ do?" Akira muttered derisively.

"Well," Takeshima said, "We'd live an extra fifth of a second longer than all the suckers _without_ underground bunkers."

"Sweet!" Ryuu exclaimed, "Can I bring my hamster? He gets lonely in apocalypses."

Takeshima shrugged. "Sure."

"Okay," Ryuu agreed.

"Good enough," Akira said with a nod.

"Great," Sakura chirped, "Let's get out of here."

As they rose from their seats, Akira gave one last jaunty wave in Hikari's direction.

"See ya, Hikari!"

The rest of the S.A. (and Sakura) exited through the front doors together. That night, they left a joyously unaware Hikari behind in the restaurant, who had nothing more than dreams of world takeover in the face of inevitable world destruction.

**THE END**


End file.
